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Dads-to-Be: 6 Tips          11/9/09

[ANNCR:]  Carey Casey, author and CEO of the National Center for Fathering, welcomes all new members of the dad club with six helpful tips on Today’s Father.

[CAREY:]  Are you a dad-to-be?  When you hold your baby for the first time, prepare to feel totally overwhelmed, with no idea what to expect of them and realizing that you have no idea how to care for a little one.  We all go through it!

To help out, today and tomorrow, I want to share six tips and more from a friend of ours at the Center, a woman named Wintergreen who works with expecting couples and who has a heart for helping dads-to-be. 

Her first and probably most important suggestion is: make a choice to be a dad.  All new parents have a lot to learn—dads and moms.  Your child's mother has no choice about the changes that are coming—it's a biological reality; she has to get ready.  You do have a choice, and I hope you'll decide to be an active and involved father, starting right now. 

Number two: honor yourself.  It used to be that men were largely left out the pregnancy and birth process.  Moms do need to be pampered and cared for, and that's a big part of your role right now, but you are also very important.  So prepare yourself to be a vital part of the whole process.

Three: learn from other fathers.  Start watching how other men love, coach, and model for their children—or how they neglect that role.  And don't be afraid to talk to other dads; they understand what you're feeling.

And four: tell your wife what you need from her.  It's easy to see how she might become preoccupied with her own adjustments and the baby's needs.  Talk about that and feel free to ask for some care and attention too.  You both need to nurture each other.

Number five: create ceremony.  As you go through the months of expecting your child, capture memories and celebrate milestones along the way.  Keep a journal or a blog, go through a ceremony at church, or even come up with your own unique celebration.

And number six: don't forget humor.  Lighten your heart!  Learn to laugh for no reason, to delight in silly moments, and to find joy even in the most mundane tasks.  Believe me, that will be an important skill for years to come.

Becoming a dad is life-changing, and no man is ever really ready for that.  But you can hold your newborn feeling a lot more confident about your new role.  Tune in tomorrow for more.

This is Carey Casey for Today’s Father.

[ANNCR:]  Are you a dad-to-be?  Carey Casey, CEO of the National Center for Fathering, author of Championship Fathering and father of four, helps you get ready for the ride of your life on Today’s Father.

[CAREY:]  Yesterday I passed along six ideas for expectant dads, from our friend Wintergreen, who blogs and develops tools to help expecting couples.  To follow up, I want to share more of her insights today. 

If there's one tip for dads-to-be that influences all your other actions and your commitment to be a father, it's simply making the decision to grow during these months of expecting your child, just like the growth happening to your baby and his mother.

Start with a list of some of the positive attributes you'll need as a father—like kindness, patience, awareness, attention to detail, being able to see what needs to be done, two more arms, four more eyes, humor, delight, a strong marriage, clarity, and so on.   Go ahead and actually write it down.

Don't worry if it's a short list to begin with.  It gives you some things to work on, and you can always add to it later.  The important part is to start thinking about and developing those qualities now. 

You get about 8 months to prepare for fatherhood.  Just be thankful babies don't come out ten minutes after your wife gets pregnant!  But take full advantage of the time you have to practice and mature in the positive attributes you'll need as a father. 

And if it helps, use the different phases of pregnancy as benchmarks to help you track your growth.  As the baby grows and mom goes through her changes and you eventually start childbirth classes, you'll get more used to the idea that you're going to be a daddy.  There will be moments of pride along the way ... and moments of uncertainty.  Let those milestones be reminders for you to keep watching what other dads do, growing the fatherhood qualities on your list, and perhaps adding to your list.

Then, on that big, life-changing occasion, you are propelled out of becoming a dad to being one.  There's nothing quite like it!  Enjoy every moment.

Men have stood on the edge of pregnancy and childbirth for generations, and now that times have changed, dad, you need to change.  Be involved, and keep up with the growth occurring in your baby and its mother.  Keep that list handy.  Nurture those positive fatherhood qualities you'll use for many years to come.  You'll never regret it.

This is Carey Casey—always glad to welcome new dads—to Today’s Father.

[ANNCR:]  Love and a willingness to forgive are inseparable.  Here's Carey Casey, author and CEO of the National Center for Fathering and father of four, on Today’s Father.

[CAREY:]  Maybe you saw the video that was circulating a while back of the dad and daughter at a baseball game.  The dad caught a foul ball and everyone celebrated; then he handed the ball to his 3-year-old daughter, and she promptly tossed the ball over the railing into the crowd below. 

The dad was shocked at first, but very quickly he regained his composure, then simply smiled and gave his daughter a long hug.  It was a funny and engaging moment, and I think there's a lesson there for us. 

How would you respond in that situation?  When was the last time your child did something careless, or insensitive, or even disobedient?  Our kids are always doing crazy things, and quite often they cause us a lot of inconvenience or embarrassment or frustration. 

Fathers should look at those moments as opportunities!  Like that dad in the video, we would do well to regain our composure and be quick to forgive and comfort our kids.  In some cases, our children may need to go through tough consequences for their actions.  Still they need to know we have forgiven them.  That's an important part of the Championship Fathering fundamental of loving our children.

Forgiveness provides our children with the clean slate they need; it affirms our trust in them to do better the next time.  They may do things that seem "unforgivable," but our love should quickly take over and motivate us to give them what they need—and that usually isn't a lecture, or harsh words, but comfort and instruction. 

Helping our children learn from their mistakes is still important, but that happens best after they are assured of our love—and after we have cooled down.

Also, we have to remember that our children's concept of God—and their ability to depend on Him—begins with how we relate to them as their earthly fathers.  So, when we pray that line from the Lord's prayer, "Forgive us for our sins, as we have forgiven those who sinned against us," we should feel accountable. 

Praying this with our children should be a commitment to grant them grace and forgiveness, just as we hope they'll forgive others.  That includes forgiving us when we criticize them harshly, place other priorities ahead of them, or fail to affirm them.  Through our forgiveness, we teach our children valuable life skills for their relationships, and we pass on awesome lessons about God's grace.

This is Carey Casey for Today’s Father.

Sports and Kids: Special             11/12/09

[ANNCR:]  We're looking again at what kids can learn through competitive sports and other pursuits.  Here's Carey Casey, CEO of the National Center for Fathering, author of Championship Fathering, on Today’s Father.

[CAREY:]  As we continue to explore thoughts on what children can learn through sports and other competitive opportunities, we have not yet touched on one profound benefit.  Sports can help kids understand they are special.  Now, what do I mean by this? 

Looking back on my life, I know I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for my involvement in athletics.  I had some success, so sports gave me a place to fit in and a common denominator with other people.  Also, I developed a confidence that helped me bloom and blossom in other areas of my life. 

But "special" can apply to every participant.  When I wrestled, I was not good, but I learned a lot.  And in football I played with guys who were not gifted in skill positions, so they blocked for me and other players.  Through it all, we discovered more about who we were and what we had to offer.  What's more, through the battles we faced together, we built strong relationships and I saw how each and every player had their own strengths to bring to the team.

That's how sports can bring out your children's unique characteristics, and reveal what's special about the way God made them. 

Maybe your son is short and can't jump high enough to get the net, let alone the rim.  Maybe it's clear your daughter will never be a star on the team—or maybe she will.  In either case, she will benefit simply from having those opportunities.  On that testing ground, she will learn a lot about strengths, weaknesses, teamwork, leadership, self-discipline, and many other life lessons that sports can teach.  It's an arena of life where lasting memories happen all the time. 

Also, sitting in the stands gives parents a chance to cheer their children on, affirm and encourage them, and let them know that yes, they are special. 

In practical terms, dad, words are your main tools here.  Make sure you take them out of the toolbox and use them in a choice way.  Tell your child what makes you proud when you watch his game.  Point out the gifts and abilities you see—and be honest; your child will know if you're exaggerating.  And, if you saw things he could do even better, you don't always have to point them out. 

Dad, even if he never goes beyond the pee-wee league, you can use sports to make your child feel special.

This is Carey Casey for Today’s Father.

Recommended Resources:

- The Ballgame of Life by David Allen Smith & Joseph Aversa
- How to Win at Sports Parenting by Jim Sundberg
- 101 Ways to Be a Terrific Sports Parent by Joel Fish

Advocate, Protect and Model             11/13/09

[ANNCR:]  Carey Casey, CEO of the National Center for Fathering and author of Championship Fathering and father, gets a real-life opportunity to be an advocate and model for his son on Today's Father.

[CAREY:]  The other day a neighbor from down the street came to our door, and my son Chance came in and got me.  I had seen the man before, but I had never met him. 

With the three of us standing there, he talked about how Chance and his buddies have been running through yards and climbing over fences down where he lives.  I thanked him for bringing it to my attention, but he wasn't finished.  He went on about other rowdy behaviors he'd seen from my son and his friends, some bad language, and he expressed concerns about a variety of issues in the neighborhood. 

I could tell Chance really wanted to defend himself and tell his side, and at one point, this neighbor began talking directly to my son about all this.  So I asked the gentleman to please address me, as Chance's father, and then I would handle it with my son. 

I sent Chance in the house and continued to talk with the man.  I suggested it would be a good idea if he talked directly to the other families he had issues with. 

The conversation ended cordially; I thanked him again and I tried to speak a little bit of hope and light into his life.  Then I went inside and discussed all this with Chance and my bride Melanie. 

The experience reminded me that part of a dad's role is to protect and advocate for his children.  That doesn't mean I excuse my son for the things he did wrong; he had some things to work on, and I'm putting him in check.  But from the bigger picture, part of my role is to defend his dignity and protect his little heart.

It also reinforces how important we are to our sons.  Grown men can leave a lasting impression on boys—positive and negative.  That includes neighbors, coaches and youth sponsors—even strangers.  How is my boy going to process what he hears from those different men?  How will he respond when a man curses at him or threatens him physically? 

Dad, your children need you to be an advocate who will talk through these issues with them and to be a clear voice fostering responsibility and character.

Finally, dad, remember that you're an important model—for your children and other kids.  Make sure you're consistently displaying responsibility and character as well.

This is Carey Casey for Today’s Father.

Recommended Resource:

- Championship Fathering by Carey Casey