Top 10 Things a Teenage Daughter Doesn't Want to Hear from Her Dad

10. “Let me explain what 'deductible' means on car insurance.”
9.   “Your mom’s almost ready. Where are we going on our double date?”
8.   “Seems to me last year’s prom dress still has some life in it.”
7.   “I signed us up for the pairs karaoke contest this Friday night.”
6.   “We ate possum toes like popcorn when I was a kid.”
5.   “Let's get ice cream, my treat! Just let me grab my jar of coins.”
4.  “I am proud that you decided to keep the family unibrow.”
3.   “You don't need to go shopping after all. I picked out a purse for you on my way home.”
2.   “I ran into Bobby at the grocery store. I told him that you're really hoping he'll ask you to the dance.”
1.   “By the way, I had to borrow your deodorant yesterday.”

Top 10 Lame-brained, Foot-in-mouth Compliments from a Husand to His Wife

10. “You look great for a woman who has had four kids.”
9. “This is almost as good as mom used to make.”
8. “Thanks for the new shirt. It’ll be great for working on the car.”
7. “That’s a great new hairdo, Honey. How much did it cost?”
6. “I never knew you could sing that close to pitch.”
5. “I like it when you wait until halftime to vacuum.”
4. “Whaddaya want me to say? Okay, you look fabulous.”
3. “This ... meatloaf is a neat color.”
2. “Yes, that actress is beautiful, but you’re pretty on the inside.”
1. “Wow, that makeup works wonders!”

Top 10 Fathers' Comments at a Parent-Teacher Conference

10. "Little girl, would you please get the teacher?"
9. "So, this bully, Max, who¹s been pushing my son around, is really a Maxine?"
8. "My son told me OD stands for Odelightful. Why would you lie to me?"
7. "So, she needs to be here when the little hand is on the eight and the big hand is on the six?"
6. "And your name again is...?"
5. "Excuse me, but my knees are sticking to the bottom of this desk."
4. "So, our daughter has a short attention.... Hey, cool playground!"
3. "It's okay, teacher, we ain't never been good with numbers in our family. We be strongerest at English."
2. "Funny, you don't look like a four-eyed, fanged, drooling hippopotamus."
1. ""Zzzzzzzzzzz...."

Top 10 Wrong Things to Say to Your Future Son- or Daughter-In-Law

10. "She'll be borrowing my best teeth for the wedding."
9. "I'm looking forward to showing you who ... I mean what is in the shed out back, but that can wait until after the honeymoon."
8. "You look a little like the last girl he was engaged to."
7. "Look. Some idiot parked his motorcycle in our driveway.
6. "I like my eggs over-easy."
5. "Have you heard her burp the alphabet?"
4. "Just imagine ... in twenty years, he'll look just like me!"
3. "Once we complete the ritual, you will really be a part of the family."
2. "Maybe you can get him to brush his teeth every day."
1. "Can I borrow $100?"

Top 10 Wrong Ways To Initiate Your Son Into Manhood

10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.
9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.
8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.
7. Eat until you're about to burst and then ride the Screamin' Hurler roller coaster.
6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with its tongue.
5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, "You da man!"
4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom's "personal things."
3. Give him Grandma's lime green Gremlin with personalized license plates that say, "TUFFGUY."
2. Send the womenfolk shopping, then get out your secret Old Yeller video and have a good cry together.
1. Shot put catching.

The Top 10 Things Not To Do At Your Child's Performance Or Sports Event

10. Try to pep up the dance recital crowd by starting "the wave."
9. Do a halftime trampoline show.
8. With your buddies, spell out your child's name on your chests.
7. Mimic the conductor.
6. Start a paper airplane contest with the program.
5. Clip your toenails.
4. Wear a multi-colored wig and hold up a large, confusing sign.
3. In the middle of the violin piece, say loudly to the person next to you, "That reminds me-I need to take Our cat to the vet."
2. Wear your wife's old cheerleading outfit.
1. Two words: cow bell.

Top 10 Ways to Intimidate Your Daughter’s Date When He Comes to Pick Her Up

10. Sprinkle some dust on your daughter before she leaves. Explain, “It makes fingerprinting easier.”
9. Challenge him at arm wrestling.
8. Introduce him to your good friend Ken Starr.
7. Walk on stilts.
6. Casually show him your collection of five shrunken heads, then yell up to your daughter, “Number six is here.”
5. Come to the door bare-chested. Do a lot of flexing.
4. Introduce him to the family by calling each family member to the living room using a whistle, then making them stand at attention and salute.
3. Answer the door in a straight jacket.
2. As they leave, talk into a walkie-talkie, “Subject is wearing khakis and a blue polo shirt, driving a green ford.”
1. Say, “Let’s pray.”

The Top Last Things You Want Your Children To Learn To Say

10. "Are we there yet?"
9. Your "Ouch-I-hit-my-thumb-with-the-hammer" word
8. "Johnny's parents let HIM do it."
7. "Daddy's goin' potty."
6. "Do it again."
5. "Daddy, what's Rogaine?"
4. "Where's my allowance?"
3. The words to the Barney song
2. "Go Cowboys!"
1. "Duh!"

The Top Ten Dinner Dishes When Mom's Away and Dad's "Cooking"

10. Hot dogs with just a hint of Tabasco.
9. "Kids eat free" night at the steak house.
8. Pizza.
7. Broiled bologna benedict on rye.
6. Back-of-the-fridge goulash (with lots of pepper).
5. Chips & salsa.
4. Cocoa Puff surprise.
3. Something old, something blue, something frozen, call it stew.
2. Cold pizza.
1. Whatever's cooking at Grandma's.

The Top Ten Things You Won't Hear a Father Say

10. "Can you turn up that music? It really calms my nerves."
9. "You can't finish your peas? Go ahead and throw 'em away."
8. "Here, you take the remote."
7. "Oh no, kids, this sled is TOO FAST!"
6. "No, honey, sit this one out. I really can't wait to change that diaper."
5. "As a matter of fact, let's both go get nose rings!"
4. "Hey, kids! Sit down at the table and try my vichyssoise."
3. "Go ahead, take my car-and here's fifty bucks for gas."
2. "Waiter! More ice cream for the little one!"
1. "Where do babies come from?"

The Top 10 Wrong Ways to Announce That Your Wife is Pregnant

10. "Gentlemen, meet the big hungry."
9. "She's on this new diet of beef jerky and jelly beans."
8. "What's fatter than a pot-bellied pig after a cruise? ... my wife in seven months."
7. "We're trading in our Corvette for a mini-van."
6. Charades
5. "We're gonna be downloading some new software."
4. As a toast at your son's wedding.
3. "We're trying to stress out the overpopulation activists."
2. "Hey, wanna see an 'inny' turn into an 'outy'?"
1. "I'm the man!"

The Top 10 Father's New Year Resolutions

10. To publish his best fatherly lectures.
9. To stop saying, "I used to change her diapers" when his daughter's date comes to pick her up.
8. No pets in the car for this year's vacation.
7. To buy more yard art.
6. To never ever again go on the screamin' eagle roller coaster after gorging the kids on pronto pups, mini donuts and orange freezies.
5. To stop and ask directions at least once.
4. To never again agree to pick up feminine products while he's at the market.
3. To stop making his son drive the 1970 Pacer.
2. To have that "birds and bees" talk with the kids ... well, okay, by the end of next year.
1. To memorize the sentence, "Yes, Dear, we should call a professional to fix that."

The Top 10 Things Your Child Will Surely Say Next Time You Have Company

10. "Daddy, how long are they staying?"
9. "Anybody want to play Twister?"
8. "I better warn you people. My dad only paid me for an hour of good behavior."
7. "Dad, can I turn off the Barry Manilow tape now?"
6. "Hey, didn't he used to be thinner?"
5. "Daaaddddddyyyyyy! I pooooooopppiiiieeed!"
4. "Can I come out of the closet now?"
3. "You know, don't you, that irradiative excitation will probably initiate a causal plethysmographic modulation whose photocoagulated full-wave spectrum will delineate the hematoporphyrin derivative and prognosticate a supramolecular demise."
2. "That isn't what you said about (insert boss's name) last night."
1. "My dad wears Garfield underwear."

The Top 10 Tips for Fathers on Changing Diapers

10. Always use protective eye wear.
9. If you need a third hand, use your teeth!
8. Avoid changing baby on new persian rug.
7. Reach finger down back of diaper to see if there's a "doodie."
6. When you run out of baby oil, use Old Spice.
5. Insure proper ventilation, avoid open flames.
4. Always feed baby lots of apricots 3 to 4 hours prior.
3. Never scratch and sniff.
2. Be careful with high-pressure spray nozzles on baby.
1. Recycle! Recycle! Recycle!

The Top 10 Rejected Slogans for NCF

10. Take a ride on the daddy train!
9. We bring good things to life.
8. It's daddy-riffic!
7. We're fierce, we're fathers, and we're in your face!
6. Fatherhood-it's finger-lickin' good.
5. Just men sitting around, talking about kids.
4. Murphy Brown need not apply.
3. Real men do do diapers.
2. I love this game!
1. More than just a sperm bank.

The Top 10 Things a Father Hates to Hear from His Son

10. "Can I borrow the car keys?"
9. "Here-I can't eat the rest."
8. "How do you like my tutu?"
7. "Wow! Look at that guy's new Air Jordans."
6. "Well, it is a grade higher than it was at mid-term."
5. "I'm calling from the police station."
4. "Do we have insurance on the car?"
3. "It's only a small tatoo."
2. "Don't bother-I already know all that stuff about girls."
1. "Mom spanks harder than that!"

The top 10 Good Things About "Thinning" Hair

10. Women no longer mistake you for Tom Selleck.
9. The neat "slap" sound you can make.
8. Perfect place for daughter to put wigs when she plays hairdresser.
7. No more hours in front of the mirror searching for the "new look."
6. You know instantly when it starts to rain.
5. Can always use "just a little off the top" line at barber shop.
4. No need to wear reflective headgear while jogging at night.
3. People call you "that guy on Star Trek."
1. People stop making jokes about your face.

The Top 10 Least Popular Workshops at Men's and Fathering Conferences

10. The finer points of synchronized swimming
9. The mechanics of map-reading 101
8. Bonding with your child through cross-stitch
7. manly grunting: a guttural approach
6. Your teen's music-listening lab
5. How to really cream your kid at Nintendo
4. Making tax season fun for the whole family
3. The first driving lesson: a study in psycho-drama
2. Mixing & mismatching: how to dress so you're really embarrassing to your teen
1. Hugging: a step-by-step practicum

The Top 10 Discontinued Christmas Traditions

10. Aunt Bertha's habit of kissing everyone on the lips
9. A "make your own ornament" party using last year's fruitcake
8. 3 a.m. caroling
7. Hot dogs and baked beans
6. Allowing Uncle Chet to carve the turkey with his trusty pocket knife after seeing him use it to clean under his nails
5. The family outing to cut down your own tree ... from the neighbor's yard
4. Getting up at 4:00 a.m. to see if Santa's been there yet
3. Getting up at 5:00 a.m. to see if Santa's been there yet
2. Stringing cold cuts for the Christmas tree
1. Bathwater nog

The Top 10 Signs That the Fathering Book You've Purchased May Not Be the Best

10. you see it on display at 7-11 next to The National Inquirer.
9. Appendix includes rebuttals by author's children.
8. You hear the book's title in a country music song.
7. Chapter on the mechanics of golf club flinging.
6. No plastic splatter-proof outside cover.
5. First line of chapter 1 reads: "Now I've never actually had kids, but ..."
4. illustration of Fabio-like guy on the front cover.
3. You found it in the bookstore under "psychological Disorders."
2. No Good Housekeeping seal of approval.
1. Title contains the word "dude."

The Top 10 Topics You Don't Discuss at the Dinner Table

10. The dog's latest "gift"
9. Klingon dating rituals
8. Chewing tobacco
7. Precious moments figurines
6. Recent refrigerator "science projects"
5. Anything that makes you laugh hard enough to make milk come out your nose
4. Smoked oyster breath
3. Road toad a la mode
2. The way your mother used to prepare this dish
1. Childbirth

The Top 10 Things Not to Say or Do at Your Child's Bedtime

10. Recall your worst nightmare.
9. "Hurry up and get to sleep so I can have some ice cream."
8. Bring in the new puppy.
7. "You keep your Halloween candy next to your dresser, right?"
6. "Did you know that, due to its relative body weight and wing span, a bumblebee technically cannot fly?"
5. Start singing a song to which you don't know all the lyrics.
4. "Don't let the bed bugs bite."
3. "As soon as you're asleep, your mom and I are going off to TOYS-R-US."
2. "I know you need to go, but if you fall asleep, that feeling will go away."
1. Act out "rock-a-bye baby."

The Top 10 Rejected Titles for Books on Fathering and Men's Issues

10. Homer Simpson's First Book of Fathering Tips
9. How To Raise Sarcastic Kids
8. Aluminum John
7. Behavioral Control with Puppetry
6. 101 Lengthy Lectures for Dads
5. How to Fill the Holes in Your Kids' Heads with the Rocks in Yours
4. Resoling the Masculine Heel
3. No Black Socks with Shorts! A Study of Fathers' Fashions (Written by Teens)
2. Lost on Vacation: A Dad's Memoirs
1. Fathering Schmathering